Funerals and the Globally Mobile, Part 2
In my last post I talked about my uncle’s funeral last month, and how it got me thinking about this rarely talked about part of the globally mobile life - being far away when death happens.
During the pandemic over the past two years, lack of presence surrounding death has sadly become a much more common experience. Many people have been unable to be with loved ones in person as they pass due to hospital regulations. Others have been unable to travel to see their loved ones during illness, or for funeral gatherings, due to border closures and travel restrictions. What has always been difficult for the globally mobile suddenly became impossible for many, even those in the same country - or city!
I lost my Nana at the start of the pandemic after a long illness (not related to Covid-19). I knew it was coming, and that I probably would not be able to afford the time and money to return to Australia for her funeral. But when the time came, I did not even have the option. New border regulations meant if I did go I’d be quarantined until after the funeral anyway.
When we think about funerals, how can we be sensitive to the needs of the globally mobile, and anyone who has difficulty attending, especially now during pandemic conditions? I have five suggestions for planning funerals that help support those who are grieving, whether in person or from a distance - or embracing both.
1) Remember who the funeral is for
While we strive to honour the departed loved one during their funeral, the function of funeral services, memorial services, and wakes, is largely to provide comfort and an outlet for the grief of those they left behind.
After my uncle’s funeral, my aunt told me about a conversation they’d had years earlier in which he passionately declared that he never wanted a funeral held for him. She planned one anyway, because it wasn’t for him. It was for her, and for everyone else who cared about him, to gather and say their goodbyes. Creating space for those goodbyes, and for the sharing of memories, is incredibly important for the grieving process each person is going through.
2) Give as much warning as possible
Give people time to make arrangements, whether to get time off work, arrange childcare, and/or travel. The further away people are, the more important this is. Sometimes a funeral can be delayed several weeks to make this more manageable for people far away. If the actual funeral must be held quickly (there are many reasons for this), consider having a memorial service later, to provide an opportunity for shared grieving.
On the other hand, I have also been in situations in international communities where it was important to hold a memorial service quite quickly. For example, when schools begin their summer breaks, these communities tend to scatter around the world. The bottom line for any funeral or memorial should therefore be knowledge of what is best for the communities grieving the person who died.
3) Include children
Small children are often kept away from funeral and memorials. A two or three year old child, however, can of course be very attached to a person and in need of participating in shared grief. While this may look different for children, it is good and right to include them in the community as we grieve together for the person we have lost. This is no less true for children who live far away from their relatives.
When I was about 3, my great-grandmother (whose engagement ring I later wore as my own) passed away. I was not included at her funeral, and I was extremely upset when told I could not go! I said to my parents (quite indignantly, I’m told) that I knew and loved her too. They thought this was a good point, and from them on children were always invited to our family funerals. When my Nana died last year, her three great-grandchildren (ages 2, 3, and 5) all travelled with their parents to be at her funeral. There are now pictures of them dancing and playing in the grassy field outside the wake, which are precious to everyone. Attending the funeral helped the five year old in particular understand that her great-grandmother had died, even though she rarely visited, because she was there as part of the community event marking her Nana’s life.
4) Make sure the real person is represented
Every funeral should look different, because every individual is different. My sister and I agreed that the eulogy given by my uncle’s eldest son was powerful to us because we recognised our uncle in every line. The man he described was the man we remembered. The music and poetry he loved (things we all knew about him) had a prominent place in the service.
Those who are physically distance already feel far away from the event of a funeral, and the space it holds for shared grief. If eulogies and other elements of a funeral or memorial are generic and/or do not represent the real person their friends and family know, this can be alienating. This makes those who are physically far away feel alone in their grief.
5) Create space to share memories of the departed loved one
This can be formal or informal. The important thing is that everyone has a chance to stop and remember who this person has been to them, and how this person has impacted their life. I really appreciated that my uncle’s service included a time of silent remembering, after the eulogies, wher we were given space to remember him individually while listening to music he loved. This time allowed memories triggered by what I’d heard to bloom into full consciousness, giving me stories I wanted to share. Later, at the wake, it was a delight to share those stories with those who knew him, and hear their stories in return. Spending time looking through photo albums my aunt had prepared (complete with dates and captions) was also very powerful. So was going through his beloved library of books, remembering him that way.
These moments are often what is missing for those who are far away when funerals happen. A livestream of an event, when available, is rarely interactive; it doesn’t allow those far away to engage in sharing memories and actively reflecting. But there are other virtual options to help provide this space for those who can’t be physically present. Group video calls, shared online documents, word clouds, virtual post in note board, and virtual memorial tools, and so much more can be creatively utilised to allow those who are geographically separated to collaborate in honouring and sharing memories of a loved one who has died.
One other thing to keep in mind: if only one person is missing, unable to be at a funeral, keep them in the loop. Most people in this situation feel the distance keenly, feeling isolated and left out. Most want to hear about what’s happening, want to share in the process, and especially to share in the storytelling and group remembering that accompany funerals, memorials, and wakes. So call them, talk to them, share stories with them. Being the only one away can be very lonely - as I, and the students I mentioned in last week’s post, can attest to.
I hope these five suggestions are helpful for you as you consider ways to honour loved ones who have died, while supporting those left behind in their grief - no matter where in the world they may be.
